I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.