Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
