I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
