I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
