I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
