I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
