we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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