DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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