This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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