I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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