I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
