im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
