sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
