She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
