I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
