I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
