I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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