Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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