Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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