you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
