If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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