I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
