How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
