i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
