Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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