Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
