I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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