If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
