i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
