ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
