College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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