She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
