Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
