Don't make out with my wife yet
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
