I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
