If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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