1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
look no pants
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
