Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
