I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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