Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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