just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
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Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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