i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
