god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
