Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
