I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
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All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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