Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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