since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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