Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
