those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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