I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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