forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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