I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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