the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
