he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
