how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
