Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
