I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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