i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When are your genitals available?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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