You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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