for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
